| remember |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|12:00 am] |
even more in love with her than ever. we talked about alot of things (ive got one more thing i thought of to talk about)...
but im not nearly as freaked out as i was before about things, and a whole new level of love just happened. and trust.
the show went okay... i dont know
work sucked.
snowball fight was good.
musically, im in a very transitional period.
i dont know what else to say. i might explode if i dont see her soon. |
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| seeing jaco |
[Feb. 20th, 2008|12:25 am] |
im listening to jaco's self titled record, which is the cd that opened my ears to good things (next was kind of blue). its kind of like going home after a long day of work. its one of those cds that i listened to so much that it has become a part of me.
that extended arpeggiation shit is way harder than it should be.
i got a jaco dvd and jammed with wes and justin and saw shai and saw letters from iwo jima and went to her house :), then saw jesse and elliot for a little bit.
no thoughts today. im sorta tired and im gonna listen to music. |
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| yeah! |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|08:42 pm] |
i have a new obsession recently. old r and b is the shit! bill withers, al green, marvin gaye. oooh.
my college stuff is kinda mostly done. i have alot of science homework i havent been able to do because of it... including about 5 lab reports. yeah. im that screwed.
imma do some tonight... its 930... im already tired... im doing ALOT tommorow.
i love shai, life is pretty good. stressful but its gonna get better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|09:57 pm] |
Crazy day
Me and shai have been talking about memories, and the nature of photography, and its been making a lot of sense to me.
What would be the perfect photograph? It would capture a person when they had their guard totally down, when you could truly see their soul
Today would have been a great day for a camera. :)
work sucked. i wish i could have hung out after school... |
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| im fee |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|09:24 pm] |
wtf, i cant ever be content with anything. cause i know me and i know that theres a very good chance that ill be back on this lj tommorow, with nothing tosay but "blah blah blah life sucks".
yeah its cynacle but its practical.
i mean life is good though. elliotsmith is great. i hung out with jesse and we jammed a little etc. i slept alot. listened to music. it was my first day that was relaly chillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll and it was nice but tommorow i want shit to happen./ |
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| sometimes |
[Dec. 9th, 2007|01:33 pm] |
when things happen and i have hope i dont want to take any steps because SHIT IS PERFECT. like in goodwill hunting. like if youre walking on thin ice and youve been safe so far, but you have to get to the other side of the river. you're half way right? and you knwo that if you dont move you are going to live. if you go back the way you came, you are going to live. but you want to be on the other side of the river.
i had a crazy week/month/year. i realized just HOW much time i spend out. i mean i havent updated my LJ lately not because i didnt want to, but because ive literally had NO TIME. ive had no time to just sit around and do nothing, but the thing is i know that if i did id be unhappy. i guess im as happy as ill ever be hanging out with the kids i hang out with now.
went bowling. went everywhere. i want to know this city inside and out.
not doing so well in school anymore i dotn think. work sucks. i have to pass a pee test to switch jobs dontcha know. i have a cd on which freddie hubbard and lee morgan trade solos for like 10 minutes. OGGGGGGGGODOODODOOD.
jeff buckly is god
BIG BOI AND ANDRE 3000 IS GOD
FREddIE DUbs is GODD
also kate made me a bracelet and i think its one of th enicest things anyones ever done for me. and also i stole bowling shoes and GOD THEY ARE STYLISH. |
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| cant believe that shit happened |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|03:33 am] |
well today was interesting. school went as planned i guess, combo practice and the like. me and shai and illaria skipped lunch and fourth block and went downtown and walked around and shit. it was funz.
went to work 3-6. that blew. i hate that place. alex just told me hed put in a good word to his boss to transfer me to the grocery department. i cant work in seafood anymore its painful.
anyways i went to pick jesse up and ended up being a halfhour late getting justin from work (like he was yesterday for me... but besides the point). he jumped in the car and full body punched me and we got into a fist fight. jesse was there. i felt terrible. but the thing is i got this rush of testosterone and adrenaline, and it sickens me, but it felt good. as a human we all have these primal urges inside of us, and one of them is physical aggression. but we also have the ability to fight that, and that is what ive spent the last couple years of my life trying to do... to over come some of those hereditary problems. but theres a beast inside of everyone.
me and jesse hung out after wards and alex showed up later and ja. here i am. shaken, not stirred. i wish i was mroe peaceful and zenlike but i aint perfect bub. but i do have a concience, thats one thing. something anyways. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|10:07 am] |
i woke up disoriented and wondering what time it was. i turned my head and saw the sun floodign through one of the only windows in my basement. i saw particles of dust floating- something that most people take for granted. but today, it was beautiful. like the kind of beautiful where you cant go back to sleep because youre afraid youll forget it so you go write about it in your lifejoural. each particle became a star and it was floating around and around. some blinked. some disapeared. but they danced for me for what seemed like weeks, rolling like thunderclouds, up and out. i saw galaxies born and destroyed, saw me and all of the people i knew and all of our problems. the music swelled, everything wrong was gone just for a second and i was just me, tears in my eyes, a sinking feeling in my stomach. there arent words for this.
this was life itself, an illusion of an illusion in an illusion. if it was God, then i decided that God is some chaotic thing- no purpose, just chaos... it is only by chance that we are here. each particle moved on its own. each person moves on his own. their own agenda... God is each particle of dust, when every leaf on a tree moves in a different direction as the wind blows. who knows why, there isnt even a why. it wasnt beautiful, it was beauty. it wasnt bright, it was light. i could go on and on.
i jsut wish that there was someone REAL that i could share it with. there are only a handful of people in the fuckign state that wouldnt have called me crazy right then. im missign someone.
also, i saw brad and i was so happy to see him. he was baked but i wasnt much better off i guess. i guess it was like this- i had to face my past and it made me happy. hes doing alright i think. a month ago i would have said "hes a mess" but so is everyone. i also saw brittany at work and she just waved and kept walking.. i breathed a sigh of relief, a sigh of sorrow. i miss what we had but i think that that was the end. and dare i say i am glad that it is.
i had a real mellow night and it was fun. thanks guys!. |
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| im 18 |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|12:23 am] |
i had a shitty night and who knows what is in store for me in the future i feel mightywierd right now this used to be theraputic but now i feel like this part if me IS THE PROBLEM NOT THE SOLUTION.
you cant reject your own nature.
i wish i was in connn trroooolllll
i wish i had more guts.
im not an unhappy person, just unsure half the time and i guess thats what makes me so awkward and disconnected. i feel like i float through my days and never really attach myself to anything, like water and oil. oil and water.
sometimes i wisssssssshhhh that things would just work out once in a while the way that i imagine they would. only then i realize that the way i imagine things working out is unrealistic. real life isnt some deep indie film with a great soundtrack and a happy ending. real life is what you make. i havent made too much.
mum is pretty good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|07:08 pm] |
today when we were hanging out in the cemetary and on the trippin tree that we would have made the perfect movie. with the right music...
the night was warm and i could see EVERYTHING from the tree. the world scurried beneath us, quiet and far off. despite the sinking feeling in my stomach i finally felt like i was stepping through the front door of my home, 30 feet up in the air.
something like that. its true too. i realized that before around this time last year my life wasnt even an existence. i mean im still not living it right, but whatever. i feel like ive been wasting my time. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know. i wasnt even a person. bygones be bygones you go get the hell on you and yo momma.
we are recording a cd with jack in december.
in psych we are learning about the symptoms of ADD and i have all of them severly. i dont think that i have ADD anymroe, i know i have it. but im not gonna do anything about it quite yet. the main giveaway was that the more i think, the less my brain actually works. so i do my best thinking when im not thinking. i think this explains alot about me.
ive been learning alot about the brain in general, liek the way that one of the functions of your brain is to color a certain experience with an emotion. ive been thinking of things with this point of view recently.
i dont even know what im doing. i hate and love everything. im gonna sleep for a while i think. |
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| yep |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|05:20 pm] |
outkast is good.
miles davis is good.
bass is good.
lifting is good.
life is good when i make it.
i guess i aint have much to say, except that life is okay sometimes and sometimes it sucks.
i got to admit its getting better.
im not under her spell. i guess it occured to me that everyone around me was feelin the same day that shitty sunday night. we probably had a lot in common. im not gonna be that guy though.
but in the words of brian "life is the best when your living it up with your friends". man, brian is a smart guy for such a goofball. i think im going to godsmack with him but i dont know. he told me the best story the other day that involved a gigantic pool cleaning vaccuum.
MAN THE SCENE WAS SO THICK- SEVENTY SEVEN SEVILLES... IM TALKING BLACK MAN HEAVEN. |
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| a love supreme |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|02:00 am] |
so i got a 5 string bass and its pretty sick. it was kind of random to tell the truth and i felt like i was being stupid with my money, except that i really like it.
being in public places at this time of the year stresses me out, places like bull moose and guitar center or whatever. i look at the people and they kind of are in their own little world, and are willing to push or pull anybody around them to get their shopping done. it gives me anxiety attacks. i guess i like being around not so many people anyways.
incubus new cd is amazing.
sometimes i hate myself for buying THINGS and STUFF.
the things i need for dont come with tags on them.
ugh whatever i pissmyself off sometimes.. tonight we hanged out downtown and went to myhouws |
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| going crazy |
[Nov. 24th, 2007|12:31 am] |
i cant stand this staying home and doing nothing shit. i cant deal with it... id rather be diong stuff that i hate than doing nothing at all. today i sat around and ate like many other americans and i was not satisfied. happy thanks giving................................<><><><><><><><
i saw pulp fiction. incredible
yesterday i worked with brian all day and it was actaully fun. i forgot what good friends we were; i worked with him like 40 hours a week all summer. then wes and justin and i dicked around,
i worked on my 5/4 song for like 3 hours and finished the first part of the melody with harmonies and everything. it sounds pretty good.
i suck at monopoly but i always win. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|07:20 pm] |
me and heas- L and justin had some crazy times on friday night, straight up going everywhere.
saturday night was mellow, we slept over jesse's and they laughed and i floated. i stared at the window and saw brad's face in jesse's reflection and it was another one of those "holy crap do you believe?" things. i mean its full circle; im turning into brad. thats whats happening.
and speaking of that... maybe set off from that, and from events earlier on saturday ( i worked for a little while with brittany) i figured out more of who i am (and that is someone i maybe dont like). ive spent my entire life runnning from everything around me- friends, girls, tough situations, fights, work... ive got infinite stamina, and at the finish line i will be broken and alone if i dont change. i think i am changing.
i also realized that this entire last 2 months has been a horrible attempt at forgetting about brittany. who am i kidding, shes been at the back of my mind this entire time- in a way that was easy to not even realize what was happing. like the way that sometimes ill see colors when i play certain notes, id subconciously see her when anything as little as a scent caught my attention. i know shes been getting the same thing and we never even say anything to eachother. we dont.
im TIRED OF RUNNING. IM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE. im serious, im taking control and im walking. fuck this shit.
i hope to see her sometime during vacation but its me whos got to make it happen. |
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| FAT SHIT COMING |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|09:23 pm] |
THE GROUND IS MOVING AND SHAKING AND SO ARE MY TITS. IVE PROBABLY GOT PMS YOU COCK, GET OF MY WAY.
man go to Spencer gifts and you are bound to find some stupid ass bumperstickers. i made that one up but its a winner.
today i hung out with kids after school and me and heasles went to east end beach and talked about some deep shit. i started THINKING like i used to before i decided that i didnt want to anymore... the deep kind where you get lost and lost... and for a few seconds i heard jesse's voice and it turned into mine and i was like "oh my god its true". it wasnt an illusion or just a thought, i was alone on the rocks for a second talking to myself. ididnt say anything cause my mind fell into pieces.
i played bass for a little while and i plan on doing it again. i like it. we talked about music and i realized that i should maybe practice more since music has consumed like 40% of my time for the last 3 years (i think thtas how long ive been playing?). so thats a good amount of time and it would be a waste if i didnt put my all into it. ramble.
ive got so much music to disect, what am i waiting for. |
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| another 15 minute set at |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|10:31 pm] |
a variety show. it was fun but we have so much more to offer.
instead of doing anything cool before that, i went to the doctors, and then the eye doctors. apparently when i got hit in the eye with one of those fucking magnetic darts, a piece of metal got lodged into my cornea. so they pried that out after 2 hours of beauracracy and i wanted to SCREAM.
i drove home with my right pupil dialated all the way, i felt like a shark.
luke, you were right about me... tell your sister you were right... random, was that? i thinking no.
ive got sooo much on my mind and i just want to sleep, cause when i wake up ill knwo the answer "forget about it"
im also sure that ive gotten about 70 latenights so far this year, and i have not attended any of them. if these catch up with me, i probably wont graduate.
i leave you with this?
Kid coughs, hes caught a scent he remembers from way back when, he cant breath, cant stroll, cant feel, the present melts into wax on a windshield, shimmers, black, glass streaking tracks and circles explode, little nails at the center pinpoint and dance like were feeling amoeba, meeting sulfur and fission to waves burrowing away at beating vines, bright spots pop and slowly secrete smoke, ive seen this light show, next up -he’s honest, a constellation with truth sprinkled over his belt, a bow cocked back but arm quivering (hes not real anyway, its just a vibration), hes a walking pop- up, got nothing but the distance to look at and wants to turn back a little, talk to his celestial neighbors and reminisce about the last ten thousand years, “I once had love” he would gasp, “and if I could do what I loved id be climbing whichever direction I think is up”, how could it last, at the top, when he can finally look back and see a vast expanse, memories and emotions hanging crooked on the hallway wall, how could he have love again when he didn’t know what it meant, how can you smile when you forget which muscles contort your lips?
whatsitmeen? |
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| jeff |
[Nov. 13th, 2007|09:56 pm] |
why you so good? why you make me feel like shit all teh time you so good? this music brings tears to my eyes i swear.... its not fair at all.
have you lost your mind? have you lost sight of where you begun just to grab blindly at the light at the end of your fingertips? you're everywhere, in my dreams, in the air, in the past, the present, the future. what do you want? why me? why me of all people, why me? i tried, i did. i scrambled up the path, never looked back, why did you jump off the runway? i saw the night sky in your wake, jet fumes melted away, and i saw the night sky. it was different this time.
the whole world revolves around love.
sometimes the world is perfect and then it isnt. why?
the most beautiful things in the world get to us by wedging themselves into our hearts and prying out emotions we rarely feel. in this way we are forced to face ourselves, which can be terrifying.
the world |
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| well... |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|06:13 pm] |
i had a dream that i was late for work and i woke up late for work. i overslept for an hour, and came in as a mess. i was tired and sick and coughing and GROSS. last night was sweet.
so after about an hour i looked up at something and i noticed an orange tag stuck to the brim of my hat. i took it off and it was a note. it said something like "long time no see *sigh*, i hope you're still pwning noobs, (heart) brittany".
all these emotions rushed to my head and i kicked my hat across the room. i wrote her a note back...
LFIUCKJKAJ:LKJF:LKJF:UCKFFUCKFUCKFU&CKJF
i hung out with alex, went to the mall and dicked around. whatever kid. whatever. i have plenty of homework to do and i want to play bass and listen to jeff buckley. |
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| friom last night |
[Nov. 11th, 2007|11:19 am] |
if everything happens for a reason, i should be comforted right now. but the thing is that im scared, i have a hard time believing that taking any more steps will actually lead me to a good place. alot of times when you throw yourself out there and do something, you get hurt. its the nature of this world... some things happen to us because we need to learn about failure. weve all got choices i guess...
tonight was awesome. we played a show to our only fans in the world, and then we did GO KARTING. HOLY SHIT that was fun. me and justin and wes and aaron and david. we were going nuts at the end. i got the fastest lap, justin got best average. if we did it again i would get both, im telling you. you just gotta not care at all. something im good at.
i got sufjan's enjoy your rabbit, and wanye shorter. ive gotten so much new music, i need to siddown and lissin to it. maybe i will since i have tommora off, and im pretty sick and stuff. i have tons of homework.
i thought that i missed brittany, but then i realized that i might not miss her, i might just miss the idea of her. maybe im just a retard.
i drove rachel to annies house this morning and i saw god everywhere and sufjan was playing and i just wish that i could show people how there is so much LOVE everywhere. anyone.
and now that its the morning i realized that i dont have anything to do but listen to jeff buckley and write music and im okay with that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2007|09:05 pm] |
i see so much beauty everywhere, but its only on the fringes of my life, i wish i could just engorge myself in it. but what have i got? work. homework. school. i mean theres beauty there too, but no time to take it in. sometimes i think we're all missing the point of life, but then i realize that, no, we arent, this is it. this is what were here for.
ive become obsessed with writing down things, reminders of the past and what i will have to do ( i read in a book that we know very little about what its liek to live in the PRESENT, and i find that to be totally true). im taking pictures now, jotting notes on my hand. if anything i hope that it will make concrete the fact that THIS PLACE IS REAL. sometimes i feel like im floating in some dream world, and i forget how to talk, and im just lost in space.
but i still love it.
elliotsmith rocks. im gonna go work out and do a lab report (im not failing chemistry anymore : D) yeayeayeayea~ then maybe if im lucky, place bass. i havent done that in a while. i wish my music didnt have tosuffer, but then i realize that im the one who's making it suffer. i guess it has to take a backseat to otherstuff right now.
blablabalblab ramble |
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